I had an affair with modernism these last few months. I am not a happy post modern. I want to be able to say, "but nothing is so much cooler!" Instead I still lament the passage of coherence.

I don't like my schizophrenia. I would prefer a self-integration. I am afraid of regret. Afraid that one schizo self will make a choice the others won't want to live with, but then I'll be stuck.

I want to break free of seeing my life irrevocably determined by any one choice. Sure, there are thinks we have to see through to the end of our days, but that doesn't mean the quality of them must remain stagnate, trapping. Multiple self-images don't have to do battle. Instead they can keep life interesting.

Wanting cohesion but unable to demand it. Doubting its existence.